Editor’s Note: In this third episode of the CUNY SPS Parent Club Podcast, members explored the theme of building positive relationships between parents and children. They shared personal experiences with their own parents, emphasizing the importance of communication, emotional support, and nurturing connections with children.
Transcript:
Parsh Lal: Welcome everybody to our podcast of November, what’s today’s date? November 11th. Today’s topic is building strong relationships, and specifically between a parent and their child. And not just a parent and child, but a parent with their own parent. You know, I think when building relationships with family, it is probably one of the most important things in life. When life gets difficult, it’s always about the people who are the closest to us and how we relate to them.
Friends always become second, but family always comes first. So we’re going to have three questions. Each of you will have about three to five minutes to answer it.
And then, if anybody in the audience has any questions afterward, any follow-up comments, you are free to share with that. So the first question is — I should start, I forgot to introduce everybody, before we get started, I would like to introduce the three students that we have here today. We have Ashley, Patricia, and Shanice. So Ashley, do you want to talk a bit about yourself, what you’re studying, things like that? And then we’ll go to Patricia next.
Ashley Fuentes Miranda: Hi everyone, good afternoon. So my name is Ashley Fuentes Miranda. I’m pursuing my bachelors in psychology and I should be graduating, hopefully, by the end of next year. Fingers crossed.
Parsh Lal: Awesome. Thank you, Ashley. Patricia, you’re next.
Patricia Calixte: Good afternoon, everyone. My name is Patricia Calixte, pursuing a bachelor’s in health administration services. And just like Ashley, hopefully crossing my fingers to be done next, probably at the end of next year or the beginning of 2025, hopefully.
Parsh Lal: Thank you. And Shanice.
Shanice Drakes: Hello, everyone. I’m Shanice Drakes and I’m currently pursuing my bachelors in health services administration.
Parsh Lal: Welcome, Shanice. And my name is Parsh Lal, and I’m the student life coordinator at CUNY SPS. All right. Now that we’ve got the introductions done, let’s start with the questions. And the first question goes to Ashley. And the question is, why is it important to build positive relationships with your children?
Ashley Fuentes Miranda: For me personally, I feel that it’s really good to build a positive relationship with our children. It’s something that ends up helping out a lot, especially as they get older. I feel like society today is, now really, really harsh. And our kids need our support more than ever before because it’s a lot of negativity, especially now with the stigma that it’s like a lot of kids are more inside. They’re not going out as much. I feel that that positive relationship will always create that basis where if a child feels overwhelmed with what they’re going through, they could be like, hey, mom or hey, dad, I’m going through this. Can we go for a walk? Or can we do something that is going to help me? Or even if they feel that you’re doing something wrong as a parent, it just creates that trust between the two.
Parsh Lal: That’s a great answer, Ashley, especially the safety that gets provided with children when we develop those relationships with them. In your own opinion, do you have kids, Ashley? That’s correct?
Ashley Fuentes Miranda: Yeah, my son, he’s three.
Parsh Lal: So for you and your experience, what are things that you have done to build that relationship with your own son so that as he gets older, he starts to really see that connection that he has with you?
Ashley Fuentes Miranda: With my son, it’s been really difficult because he’s been going through a lot of things this year. So his emotional regulation is all over the place. But I bought toys and models for him to show me what he’s feeling in the moment. And I tell him, hey, it’s like, if you’re upset about something, if you feel really sad about something, show me the toy.
Show me what it is. Talk to me about how you’re feeling. Don’t listen to what other people are saying because unfortunately, a lot of people externally like to provide input when sometimes they don’t take the time to reflect on themselves. And they’re quick to judge a child when they don’t realize that they’re still in their developmental stages.
Parsh Lal: That’s a great answer, Ashley. I think it’s a great step you’re taking. You know, it’s just about taking those small steps and they definitely add up. This will be bigger in the future. So thank you for that. Patricia, you’re next. And the question is, why is it important to build positive relationships with your children?
Patricia Calixte: Well, for me, I try to build a good relationship with my son. He’s nine, especially to make him feel love. I always show him love and also to make him feel safe. Like Ashley stated, I always let him know whatever you’re feeling.
I want you to tell me what I try to do, also when he comes from school. I make sure that he always calls me to let me know that he’s home. And I ask him, how was your day?
Even when we’re eating at the table, I make sure that all devices are away and we will sit down and I will say, how are you doing? How was your day? How are you feeling? Can you tell mommy how was your day? And he will do the same thing as well. And by asking me questions. I feel that when you open up with your kids and you make them feel easy to talk to you about anything, even what’s going on in school with their friend, they don’t feel that when they talk to you, you’re going to be harsh on them. You’re going to be like, give them a negative. You shouldn’t do that.
Even though sometimes when he does something wrong, I always tell him why. Everything has a consequence. And why I’m taking that away from you is because you didn’t do certain things. Now he knows how to, that will teach him everything. There is a consequence and it’s easy to talk to me. And also it will teach him to get along and to get along with kids as well, and also to get how to talk to people, how to and express his feelings without getting upset. As well as for me, I do the same thing. Then he will know that then he will be able to feel free to talk to me as well.
Parsh Lal: I love that answer, especially I think like we’re trying to get at communication, something that you really focus on because, especially when it comes to boys, a lot of times I see them myself as a young man myself, a lot of men when they communicate or young boys, they don’t know how to express their emotions. They don’t know how they feel. So most of them kind of turn to either violence or something like that. And I see a lot of boys instead of talking it out about how they’re actually feeling from, you know, maybe they didn’t get that at a younger age. They end up turning to violence as the first answer to communicate.
Patricia Calixte: Also Parsh, a lot of times in my culture it’s said, because you’re a boy, you’re a man, you shouldn’t be sensitive, you shouldn’t be crying. I always tell my son that you’re going to have different emotions. If you feel like crying, it’s okay. That doesn’t make you a weak person. You could feel free to express any way, but don’t express it as violent. Try to find something that you like, then you could, if you want to draw, then if it’s drawing that you feel like expressing it by drawing, then do it. If you feel like crying, then do it.
That will never make you weak. And if you feel like talking to me, then I’m right here and I will never invalidate your opinion of what you express, what you’re feeling and what you’re expressing to me.
Parsh Lal: A lot of boys need to realize, it’s okay to express your feelings because it just creates a more safer environment out there, because I think just having that sense of communication, feeling safe is a very big one for young boys. When they feel safe to express their emotions, they turn out to be a better person when they’re older, but when they don’t have that kind of safety growing up, they don’t know how to feel. So they end up using other ways to make themselves feel hurt, but thank you for that. Shanice, you’re next. And the question is why is it important to build positive relationships with your children?
Shanice Drakes: I feel it’s important to build positive relationships with your children because I feel it sets the foundations of what kind of relationships they can have with other people in the world. Also, as a parent, you’re your child’s first support system, to have a solid support system is important.
And again, it sets the guidelines for how they interact with people in the future. I try my hardest with Jet. He’s five. So I’m trying to figure out what the level of a five-year-old is when it comes to understanding, being supported, and expressing yourself.
Parsh Lal: Right. And that’s an amazing way to approach it. You know, it’s definitely something that needs to be encouraged more. Let’s move on to the next question just for the sake of time. So the next question is for Ashley. And the question is, what are some of the experiences you’ve had with your parents growing up while building relationships?
Ashley Fuentes Miranda: Oh, all right. With my parents, it was very difficult because I was basically raising myself on my own from a young age. So I feel that I really don’t know what it’s like to have a good relationship with your parents. I’m finally starting to establish one now with my father as I’m older. But it’s hard, because especially as a new mom, first time, not having the family around, it’s kind of like, I have to teach myself on the basis of what I would want my son to see as a good relationship with his parents and everything. So I guess from my perspective, a healthy relationship that I would have wanted for my parents growing up would have been more communication, more time just going for a walk, going to the park and everything, just being able to communicate in a very healthy way, where, you know, it’s just building that connection rather than just being on my own.
Parsh Lal: So just to follow up with that, Ashley, do you think that, it might be a personal question, do you think that with your own son, did you have a difficult time transitioning to that parent role? Because sometimes, I think one of the hardest things for anybody in this world is giving somebody else something that you never got, especially when it comes to your kids and kind of figuring out if you’re doing the right or wrong thing. Or, a lot of people, I hear sometimes that they live their life with their kids. So do you ever think, what’s your thoughts on all that? Is this something that you do in your own experience or something different?
Ashley Fuentes Miranda: For me, the fact that it’s like, I’m basically on my own, which is like me, my son, and we’re against the world. Yeah, sometimes I do feel like, am I doing things right? Am I not doing things right?
I’ve joined a lot of support groups as much as I can, even trying to interact with other moms. But it is really hard, because sometimes I try to catch myself with my emotions, because I’m like, am I really doing my best? Am I doing this right? Am I not? It’s hard. It’s hard, especially when you don’t have something to work off of.
Parsh Lal: I mean, it’s really good that you’re using these support groups. I think that at this point, anything that you could get that will support you in that way is the best option. But you know what, from one person to another, I think you’re doing a great job. I know sometimes it could be quite challenging to really figure out things on your own. But you know what, you held your ground down and you’re doing a great job by raising your son. And I think it’s only going to get better from here. As he gets older, he’ll start to really appreciate all the things you’ve done for him.
Ashley Fuentes Miranda: Thank you.
Parsh Lal: Of course. Patricia, you’re next. And the question is, what are some of the experiences you had with your parents growing up while building relationships?
Patricia Calixte: Well, my family is huge. Very huge. Family orientation is a big thing for me. And I try to pass it along for my son, even though he’s the only child. But I make sure that he keeps in touch with his siblings, even though my parents, my dad has six kids, but everyone was in the same house, even though it’s three different mothers, we’re not [from] the same mom, but all of us always keep in touch with each other. And that’s one thing I always try, making sure my son knows that family is everything. One thing I learned from my stepmom, because I was raised with my stepmom and my dad, one thing I learned from my stepmom, is rewarding. Every time we do something good, especially in school, we’re always [rewarded], because my stepmom said, no C’s in the house, do not bring C’s in the house. So every time our report card comes, we get rewarded.
If it’s not like a give, it will be anything. And I try to do that for my son. I always tell my son, you work hard, then you get rewarded. You don’t work hard, then there’s always consequences.
Things will get taken away from you. And from that, he tried to keep his grades up, because he knows in the end he will get rewarded. Like for example, this year I said he wanted a PS5, well guess what? If you bring at the end of the school year, you bring me straight A’s, then you will get that PS5. If it’s not, then you know that’s not going to happen. That’s one thing. And the second thing is doing things together. We will be cooking like everybody will take a turn, because you know, it’s family work. I mean, six kids in the house, everybody each day, someone will have their chore. And I always make sure I say, sweetie, today, you know, it’s your day to clean the dishes. It’s your day. I make sure that he takes responsibility, because especially you don’t depend on people to do things for you. You have to do things for yourself. So I will make sure today, what’s today, that he knows that today he has to do this and do his responsibility. That’s one thing my parents always make sure that we do.
And then also putting God first in our life. And I try to teach him, like this year he’s doing his affirmation, which I’m so proud of him. He’s starting to read his Bible more often. So one thing is to make sure that he knows God is number one as well. Those are the three valuable things that I have learned from my parents. And I try to take that and give that to him as well.
Parsh Lal: That is an amazing way to raise a child. Patricia, I think about [how] we’re working hard and getting rewarded at the end. That is something that I think a lot of people should take on that mentality. And more if you work hard enough, they’ll definitely achieve what you get, and it’s kind of a present for the world, because sometimes like in the world, a lot of people are like, oh, am I working hard enough?
But you know, it’s always about thinking about, okay, where do I want to be? If I do this, I’ll get that, right? So I think you’re preparing him for the real world in a great way. And in a very good manner that if he works hard enough, he’ll definitely achieve something greater. So thank you for that. All right, Shanice. The second question is, what are some of the experiences you had with your parents growing up while building relationships?
Shanice Drakes: So my experience in terms of relationships, like right now, me and my mother aren’t close. We don’t really speak. And my father, I only speak to him because currently he helps me pick up my son after school while I work. So growing up, there wasn’t really anything genuine about creating relationships. I knew my father would always tell me and my sisters, you guys are siblings and you guys come first before anyone, but it was never in a genuine way.
It was more like, do as you’re told kind of way. So I don’t really, I don’t have much to say on that part. I really don’t have any connections with my parents. It’s even harder now as an adult.
I’m trying to make those connections. I’ve started with trying to talk about the past and what bothered me, and they didn’t take that too well. I try not to talk about that and it’s more of trying to control everything I do so I don’t have a good example of a good relationship with my parents — it’s just at this point, they exist in my life because my son loves them. And that’s pretty much it.
Parsh Lal: So, since you said your relationship with your parents was not the greatest, do you also — I asked this question as well earlier. Do you also think that you often struggle with your son sometimes or do you think that, is it sometimes hard to give your son the things you never got or just like those questions along those lines, how do you feel about those in your experience?
Shanice Drakes: It definitely is hard because I’m still trying to figure out the difference between giving him things I haven’t had in the past and completely spoiling him and making him entitled, so I still kind of struggle with learning what that’s like. Because I didn’t have much of a relationship with my parents I was very much a reserved person. My relationship with my siblings weren’t all that great either so they would play with each other and I would be in my own corner. So being a single mom, it’s kind of hard having a kid who’s extroverted and wants to play all the time and wants to do things all the time. And I have to remind myself, because he’s five, these are the years you are building memories with them and building those connections with them. And showing them that you’re their support system, so it does make it a little harder to deal with Jet. But, it’s like baby steps. I’m working on it on a daily basis so it’s not completely overwhelming.
Parsh Lal: You know, you should always remind yourself there’s no perfect formula to be a parent, there’s always different formulas to get to the same thing. I think that based on your son’s energy and how much he loves to spend time with you I think you’re doing a good job. You know, it’s always about giving yourself that affirmation, taking a step back because what I’m doing is enough, I’m doing the best I can.
And I think you can see from the way he is with you that he appreciates you, you’re doing a fantastic job, so definitely keep that in mind. These podcasts are all about really talking about the parenting styles and also giving you guys that affirmation you guys need as parents, because it’s not easy with a full time job with no benefits except for happiness from your children. So it’s definitely good to give you guys also the affirmations for that. Awesome. Being great on timing and everything. So let’s move on to our last question. And Ashley, this question is for you. What to you is a strong relationship?
Ashley Fuentes Miranda: To me a strong relationship with my son, I feel it’s vulnerability, because at the end of the day, just being able to give all of yourself and just open up in that way.
It speaks a lot. Not only does it show the trust and the love between a mother and their child or parents and their child but I feel that’s really, really important.
Parsh Lal: So vulnerability, I mean, that’s such a deep word to use, does that mean you become vulnerable with your child or how does that work?
Ashley Fuentes Miranda: I am vulnerable with my son because we’re, well another speaker said earlier, a lot of the boys nowadays are taught to just repress their emotions. And at the end of the day, it’s like, I tell him like it doesn’t matter. If it’s a girl or a boy crying, if you need to let out your emotions, let them out, but let them out in a healthy way. If you feel that you’re so angry that you need to go hit something, go to the pillow. If you need to cry, just cry. If you need to shout, shout into a pillow. But we can’t keep repressing those emotions. And I’m not saying that it’s like, that my stage of vulnerability is going to be like me lashing out and doing a whole thing.
No, it’s doing it in a controlled way as an adult because at the end of the day, our children mirror what we do. So with him, I feel that after that, like yesterday, I’m like full blown in a cast right now. He’s having a full meltdown because I had to take away a balloon from him and pop it because it was about to get wrapped up in the ceiling fan. He went off on a whole tantrum and I told him, hey, if you’re angry, go hit a pillow, take a walk, take a breath. And then he came up to me, he climbed on me. He’s like, I’m sorry for hitting you. He’s like, it made me feel really sad what you did. And I explained to him the safety of why I had to pop the balloon because if it got tangled in the ceiling fan, I’m not capable at the moment to go up there.
So in that aspect of vulnerability, like he had a full meltdown. It wasn’t the best, trust me. And just being able to see him come afterwards and tell me, hey, I’m sorry, I love you. I’m going to do better. It’s just, you know, I feel that that speaks a lot to me as a mom.
Parsh Lal: And that’s amazing, especially after his tantrum, he came to you and apologized for stuff like that. It’s definitely a great thing to teach him accountability. Like I said much earlier, just teaching boys, especially to handle it in a better way. Think about what they’re feeling and actually letting them express it, I think that’s such an important thing that a lot of people miss out on. But I’m happy that the three of you in this podcast, at least, are thinking about that because it’s definitely something that starts from when they were a child. And then it transitions to an adult male, especially for me, if I think about it, like growing up. I never kind of had that kind of safety and comfortability. So as an adult, it’s like, a lot of times when I’m with other guys out there, they kind of like look at me differently if I am a person that shows emotion, because they’re not used to that and it’s really hard for me sometimes to be the person I am without having some sort of guard and shield up because I never got that kind of thing that you mentioned earlier about that. So thank you for that. It’s a great thing you’re doing. You should definitely keep that up. Next, is Patricia, and the question is, what to you is a strong relationship?
Patricia Calixte: I have three. The first one, trusting. I want my son to trust me and as well, I want to trust him as well. So one thing I always said to him is, no matter what the consequence, no matter what happens, I always want you to tell me the truth and I will not explode at you. I want you to feel free to talk to me trusting and also if like for example today this morning, he said, Mommy, I want Roblox. I said, well, we’re going to do laundry and then I’ll see to give you Roblox.
So because of that he did the laundry with me. I make him trust my word by giving the Roblox because if I lie to him then he will feel that, I’m a liar, then anything I said to him he’s not going to trust me. So I don’t want him to lie to me.
That’s the number one things for me. I want him to trust me at all times. If I cannot, if he, whatever it is, I cannot give him a response right away or give him the truth. So I would say, sweetie, it is hard for mommy to talk to you about this at the very moment to give you an exact answer, not to lie to you, but give me some time to come up with you with the answer, because I don’t want him to feel that not trusting me and say something and then heard from something and then I mean heard it from someone else or do the opposite, because I want him to feel that other people could trust him too, with his word with his action. And that’s one thing I’m trying to do. Make him trust me with my words, with my actions. That’s one — respecting others.
I always tell him when he played Roblox with his friend and they will get into argument I said, tell your friend goodbye. Turn everything off. Go cool down. Because you don’t want to, because you’re so angry, you might say things that you might regret because words, anger, you could lash anything down. Come, come turn everything off.
Go cool yourself and come back until you cool down, then you come back and play the game again. And he will try to do that from time to time. And that’s for me as well when he does something wrong instead of lashing at him. I will take, I will take a deep breath, calm down. He will say, Mommy, you’re not saying anything. I say baby, this is not the time.
Let Mommy cool down. And then I will come to you and have a discussion with you. And also listening. My third one is listening and talking because sometimes when people, people are talking but you’re not listening. And when you’re not listening, you will never be able to catch little things that your child is saying to you. And that’s one thing I tried to do, listening to him.
And as well, I want him to listen to me as well. Even though, even at school, I say, you need to listen to your teacher. And I say, when you’re reading something, you need to really listen because if you’re not listening, then there’s a lot of detail you’re not, you’re going to miss out. You have to take your time to listen. And those are the three things.
Parsh Lal: Awesome answer Patricia, I think those values and principles are definitely going to shape him into a very young gentleman. So I definitely think you’re doing a great job of that, just waiting each one of them and how we would use that. That’s just what’s all about, thank you for that. And lastly, Shanice with the final question, which is, what to you is a strong relationship?
Shanice Drakes: I don’t really have an answer for what a strong relationship looks like to me, based on the fact that I didn’t have strong relationships with my parents. But I do try, my thing with Jet, I try to be transparent with him as much as possible.
Again, age appropriate, not giving him too much or not making it too intense for him. So one of those things — I have depression and anxiety, I see a therapist for it, I see a psychiatrist for it and there are moments where, like I mentioned before, I don’t want to be bothered. I don’t want to be talked to. I don’t even want to be touched. I tried to explain that as much as I can to Jet. Like, hey, mommy doesn’t want to be hugged right now. Mommy is feeling really sad right now. And I don’t know why because he’ll ask why of course, why are you sad, what’s going on and there are times I don’t know why. He’ll ask me things about his father, his father is very inconsistent in his life. So when he has his moments of disappearing for a while, he’ll ask me about that and I’ll let him know, I tell him daddy’s brain makes him sad because I know his father also goes through mental health issues. And that’s the best way I can explain it to him. So it’s about being transparent and getting him to understand that it’s not that people are doing it to you. Sometimes it’s just something they’re struggling with on their own. And then I try my hardest to support him in all ways that I can so he has some kind of solid foundation, since, you know, his dad’s not the best person for that.
And I’m not too sure what his relationship is like with my parents. I know he loves them, but I don’t know in terms of support and feeling like there’s a strong connection with them. So I make sure that I do my best to make sure he has at least one solid foundation to move on with. So yeah, that’s about it.
Parsh Lal: So would you say that a strong relationship to you would be the relationship that you had with your son?
Shanice Drakes: Yeah, I would say that because when I was his age, there were things that my parents would never tell me about feeling sad or anything. They still don’t believe in that but that’s something else. So yeah, the transparency — I never got that from my parents.
I remember Patricia saying trust, I did not have that with my parents. My father would tell me, I would ask him for a toy. He would tell me we’ll get it next week. Next week comes because you know as a kid you’re just like I’m waiting, I’m counting down the days. And then when next week comes he’ll tell me next week and then after a while I would stop asking him. So anytime I tell Jet he asked for a toy and I’m like, yeah, I’ll buy it for you. I make sure to get it for him. If I say next week, I make sure to keep my word. So I try I would say that are based off of my own personal experience from what I can remember at least at that age. I would say that our relationship is definitely stronger, at least stronger than what I had with my parents.
Parsh Lal: You know, I like the piece you mentioned about if you promised your child that I’m going to give you this on this day, it actually happens. I think for a lot of us growing up, I think most of us here are first generation, or maybe second generation, but when our parents said oh yeah I’ll get you something, then you just don’t know what that timeline means, is it a couple of days? Is it a week? Is it a month? But they said we’ll get it for you, but we just didn’t know when it was going to happen, or if it was going to happen. So I’m happy that you’re doing that differently because in my experience growing up, if I was told I was going to get something, I didn’t know when, how, when I wasn’t ready for when I did get it, or I probably just didn’t want to by the time I got it. You know, that’s a great thing to have.
Any last minute or words I know we’re a bit early to end for our podcast which is awesome, you know get to give you guys some back time to you guys for your Saturday but any other last minute questions or comments from the audience? You guys can meet yourself or anybody who spoke today. The floor is all yours and we will wrap it up for today.
Shanice Drakes: I do want to say, Ashley having a three year old. Trust me I know what you’re going through and it does get better when they get older. I remember my therapist telling me that. And I was just like, no, that’ll make sense because kids are always going to be kids. But once they have a little more independence, whether it’s putting their clothes on themselves or pouring a cup of juice for themselves, it’s those little things that will add up and it’ll start to get easier so I just wanted to let you know that.
Ashley Fuentes Miranda: Thank you. I appreciate it. It’s not easy with toddlers.
Parsh Lal: Anybody else? Any last-minute words, the floor is all yours.
Shaniqua Bethea: Hi everybody. I just wanted to say, thank you for sharing your perspective. I am a single mother and I don’t have a lot of mom friends. So, hearing your accounts on how you are building strong relationships with your children, it makes me feel good because, I know I’m doing the right thing, because I can relate to a lot of the tactics that you guys are doing, especially those who are raising their children in ways that their parents didn’t. So I just want to say thank you so much for that. All you ladies are so strong. And I just feel so proud of us right now.
Parsh Lal: Thank you for that amazing comment. I think this is why we do the podcast. I think a lot of times, especially when it comes to being an online student, and also being a single parent, it doesn’t matter what situation people have, but it gets very lonely and I think sometimes you don’t know if you’re doing a good job. Or if you don’t know if you’re good enough, or if you’re doing it the right way, we see somebody else who’s doing it better. It’s like, when you come to these kinds of podcasts, you really figure out like, you know what I’m doing a good job, I’m not alone in this, this is why we do these podcasts to kind of spread awareness to make sure that we’re keeping all the students of our parents engaged. And I think even our former presidents here tonight, Amaira, if you’re Amaira, yeah, she’s here today.
So, Amaira really came to start this club with me a couple of semesters ago and she really helped pave the way to what it is today. All right, then, well, thank you everybody for your Saturday. I hope you guys all have a great, great weekend. And also, Thanksgiving’s coming up so definitely blow our group chat up with some of those Thanksgiving photos, however you celebrate. And yeah, best of luck on everything guys.
